Swimming in My Own Head (when I want to be swimming in the pool in the heat)

What heat? Oh, yeah, right, reality.My head is spinning with ideas and ideas and ideas, so excuse me if I am incoherant.I feel like I am losing myself right now. I am not the caring, creative teacher I was last year. I don't put enough energy into my curriculum. I don't know what is wrong with me. Some ideas I had were school environment rubbing off on me (no, please, not after only 5/8 of a year...I'll be a monster by next year) and lack of creative and supportive space. The second I just thought of tonight and it makes sense. No one asks me what I am doing in my classes, no one seems to care (with the execption of family-thx!). I am not in a whirlwind of grad class with constant reflection, meetings, discussion, observations... And where I am doesn't help either. I came to the idea of not being in grad school because as I am working on my inquiry project for a class I am taking and I got all excited again. I am reading and finding all this stuff on completely personalized schools (yes, they do already exist! in RI!) and getting so excited about the possibilities and the possibility of not being stuck and the possibility of being somewhere like that someday.The Met CenterThe Big PictureI was going to write today about not being able to see the forest from the trees, not being able to see the big picture, of what I am doing. I feel lost in the educational world without the beacon I felt I had last year. I think part of this comes from having soooooo many projects started, not finished, and with so many different goals. I am a first-year teacher and I am trying to integrate technology, film-making, community service learning, and differentiated learning into my curriculum. But I am also thinking now that not being in grad school has left me feeling wobbly. I am not constantly have to think about my objectives, my philosophy, the connections I am making to theory, and the point of it all. I just get tired....tired....and more tired. But I don't know yet why I don't feel like I love my kids as much as I did last year. Not a caring environment, but that's not it. Maybe there is just something about your first students that will never be the same. But I think something else is missing still.Ooops! I was supposed to go to bed 25 minutes ago. I have to force myself due to recent lack of sleep and the resulting crashing during lunch and my prep period...not to mention when I get home.One last thing -- my goal since vacation last week is to be more caring, patient, flexible, and humorous with my students. Three days so far and this is going well. I am still very very tired, but tonight when Ben told me I should not despair and things will be okay I just told myself to believe him and I felt better. I actually got a lot accomplished this evening and even got to facebook and my blog. So maybe my mother's most common words should be tatooed to my hands and forehead: It is all what you tell yourself!